Top 10 Valentine's DON'Ts

[Mourningblade]

No. 1 DON'T tell your girlfriend that this has been “one of the best” Valentine’s you’ve ever had. She won’t see that as a compliment.

No. 2 DON'T celebrate your special night by ordering tequila shots – Valentine’s is already poignant enough without inviting Jose Cuervo to the party! Angry shouting and upchucking that expensive dinner you paid for do not a romantic evening make.

No. 3 DON'T try to “avoid the rush.” There’s no such thing as a romantic 4:00 PM dinner (unless you’re over 65).

No. 4 DON'T try to slip how much you spent on her gift into the conversation. She already knows the going rate for cubic zirconia, dude.

No. 5 DON'T Forget to compliment your wife or girlfriend on her Valentine’s ensemble. Compliment her dress, her hair, her shoes, her nails, her makeup, her jewelry, her fingers, her toes, her kneecaps, her kidneys, etc. Just keep complimenting

No. 6 DON'T willingly engage in any conversation during which your wife/girlfriend addresses you by your real name. If she calls you “Honey,” or “Sweetheart,” or even “Papi,” you’re good to go. But any conversation that starts with “Michael, I need to ask you a question…” is a potential minefield.

No. 7 DON'T take your Valentine to an NC-17 movie, even if it’s foreign and/or artsy. On a night like this, the only naked body you should be admiring is hers.

No. 8 DON'T be your usual, too-cool-to-wear-nice-clothes self. No need to buy a new suit, but come on man – maybe tonight isn’t the night for your “ironic” Dukes of Hazard t-shirt.

No. 9 DON'T order tequila shots. Do you hear me? I’m not kidding about this!

No. 10 DON'T play mood music that’s sexier than you are. If you’re not 100% certain you can provide genuine “sexual healing,” leave Marvin Gaye up on the shelf. Every man’s got to know his limitations.

[Beratuul]

I hear that about the tequila. Oysters, and tequila don't mix.